Always, In Flux (Or: The Current State of My Fifteen-Month Old’s Napping, Diet, Language Acquisition, Growth and Development)

Babies are constantly changing. Everyone knows that. It’s one of those basic tenets of baby-rearing that becomes almost cliché. Just like the adage that goes, “Just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they switch it up on you.” True but, to most moms anyway, a cliché.

Babies are constantly changing, but there are definitely periods where the changes seem to come quicker, more suddenly. Skills that have been slowly coming along for months suddenly come together and voila! Suddenly, one day, you realize you are in the presence of a different baby. Not so different than yesterday, but definitely different than two weeks ago. Sometimes it’s the people who only see your baby every so often that are most able to articulate the marked change.

Cedar seems to be in one of those periods now. For one thing, he’s about to make that big leap from two naps to just one. Sigh. For the longest time he has napped around 10:00 and 3:00. We have had a three hour chunk in the middle of the day to eat lunch and then go on a long walk or excursion, meet up with a friend, or run errands. I’ve come to depend on this routine and appreciate its consistency. But as Cedar’s afternoon nap has continued to get pushed later, and consequently so has his bedtime, I’ve wondered lately if I should enforce the transition to one nap and get it over with. But then I’ve reconsidered; why force it? It should become obvious when he is ready.

Now, it’s looking more and more like we have reached the time to switch him over. Last week for three days in a row Cedar resisted going down for his first nap. I’d try, then give up, then try again, then give up, and finally he’d go down sometime between 11 and 12. But then the last couple days he’s been back to two naps, so this is all to say that we are no longer on a predictable schedule.

I know I just need to go with the flow for a while until he settles into a new routine, but it’s unsettling to me to have to play each day by ear and feel unsure about what we’re doing, when is bedtime, whether I can commit to plans with friends, or sign him up for that upcoming swim class. I know, I know, big friggin’ deal, right?  These are the kinds of deliberations that probably aren’t very interesting to others, unless you are a parent like me who is slightly obsessed with sleep and who really likes to have a routine. I am by no means someone who likes to over-schedule my day, but I sure do like to know when naps, bedtime and wake up time are. These are hard-earned badges of a tired parent. It unnerves me to have it change every day now in a seesaw pattern. And it can’t be that great for Cedar either. His little body has an internal clock too, and a transition like this no doubt will throw him off for a while--although I suspect he’s more resilient than I am.

It’s probably no coincidence that this switch to a new schedule coincides with a period where Cedar is really exploring the reaches of his body and environment. Cedar didn’t learn to crawl and cruise around on furniture until he was over a year old, and since then it’s still taken him a while to realize that he is free to roam at will through the entire house. He isn’t one of those babies who just took off and was everywhere once they learned to crawl. It’s only now, at fifteen months, where I can truly say he is into everything; every day he discovers a new (un-childproofed) corner full of plants or lamps, a new dubiously supportive chair to pull up on, a new shelf to pull things off of. Only now is he of that age where he will take off with a devious grin as you come after him, playing a game of hard to get. I’ve also been teaching him how to safely get off our bed (mattress) by getting on his belly and sliding his feet off first, and although he still hasn’t mastered the whole maneuver, he sure looks satisfied when he manages a close approximation.

My baby is becoming a toddler. He says, “Hiii…” in a sweet call and response with me, and he understands so much of what we say now—in both English and Chinese. My mom watches him five or six hours a week and speaks to him solely in Chinese. I reinforce what he learns with her by scattering in words and phrases throughout our day when I’m in the mood, and to my delight, this has been enough for him to understand the language! Gei wo, chuan wazi, xiezi, kai deng, kan  feiji… Give it to me, put on your socks, shoes, turn on the light, look at the airplane… he knows these, and plenty more. My baby is bilingual! It’s amazing how they soak things up and learn.

He also knows now what ‘no’ means, and he’s old enough to erupt in a tantrum of an arching back and screaming protest when prevented from doing something he wants. I’m seeing more of his stubborn will every day. It’s both exciting and daunting to think about this coming (nearly here, already here?) stage of toddlerhood. Perhaps I will soon long for the “easy days of old” when he was a baby, as much as I’ve longed for the “easier days to come” when I’m no longer nursing and can eat whatever I want again, not to mention leave him for a whole evening or (hard to even imagine now)— a whole week!

Quick diet update: I am still not eating any dairy, soy, garlic, onions, tomatoes, citrus, coffee or chocolate. When you can’t eat garlic, it’s near impossible to eat out (unless I want to just special order a plain piece of meat, after first ascertaining that they don’t cook with soy oil, so why bother when I can make something much tastier at home?). Soy, of course, is everywhere—in most store-bought breads, crackers, chips, spreads, you name it—so that is a big one I need to watch out for. Both soy and garlic still give Cedar terrible gas pains (last time I tested), which leads to a terrible nights of sleep for all of us. I’ve learned from experience many times that it is not worth it for me to eat soy in any quantity. I will eventually test these main off-limit foods again, but there’s plenty of other stuff to test and retest in the meantime.

With his other restrictions, I’ve started to allow a little here and there. Dairy gives Cedar a rash, but it’s not too bad if I just have a little on rare occasion. I will occasionally now allow some organic ketchup on a burger, or some canola mayo (that has lemon in it) on my sandwiches, because being able to eat those two condiments goes a long way in the flavor diversity department. I will also occasionally allow a rare, beautiful cup of coffee, which doesn’t seem to affect Cedar unless I start to have it multiple days in a row. And I will eat a few pieces of certain brands of salami or other items that contain the ambiguous ingredient “spices” which no doubt means a little onion or garlic powder, but which I can get away with in small quantities. I still stay away from cabbage and broccoli, especially raw. Beans, which I’ve tried a bit more of recently, seem okay.

It has gotten way easier, this diet, but we are far from being out of the woods. In the meantime, I’m still constantly trying out new foods directly with Cedar, and since it is a rare day when he doesn’t have some slight rash on his cheeks still, then it can be hard to gauge whether he is having a subtle reaction to something or not. I never want to feed a huge quantity of something to him before I’ve given him just a little the first time, and so inevitably there are many foods I have to give him several times before I can truly say (or guess) that they are okay.

So far (besides the aforementioned things that I’m not eating and so by extension am definitely not giving Cedar until he can first tolerate my eating them), he has also proved sensitive to: bananas, strawberries, possibly potatoes and corn, and also plums, apricots, and peaches. I plan to retest the latter-mentioned fruits because I so hope he can enjoy with us the summer harvest, but I’ll hold off on the other stuff in the time being because my suspicion is great enough, and because there’s plenty of other new stuff I can introduce to him first.

This is such a slow process because I don’t want to test stuff on him if he’s already got a rash, and I also don’t want to test stuff on him if I’ve eaten something questionable myself within the last couple days. For the longest time I was also following the ‘wait three days after trying something new’ rule, but lately I’ve grown impatient and sometimes only wait a day or two if we are trying foods that I’m not that worried about. I’ve tried both egg yolk and whites on him separately, but he didn’t eat much of them, and his ensuing rash the next few days was not obvious enough for me to be able to say definitively if it was from the eggs or not. I haven’t gotten around to trying any nuts or shellfish on Cedar yet, but I have given him tuna and salmon which seem okay, thankfully. Wheat and gluten are fine too (thank god—it wouldn’t be fair for one kid to have so many restrictions!), as are all the meats he’s tried—chicken, turkey, beef, and a tiny bit of pork.

Because of our slow progression in trying new foods, and also because he is somewhat of a picky eater (well, who wouldn’t be when you have only been allowed so few things), Cedar’s diet right now consists mostly of a few key foods: oatmeal, bread, pasta, and puffs; blueberries (his favorite), apples, pears, and peas; a bit of the aforementioned meats (he’s not so hot on plain meat- who can blame him- but LOVED the bbq smoked chicken); carrots he can take or leave, and the same goes for green beans, beets, or squash. I’m constantly trying to strategize what else I can give him, as this diet seems rather boring and often vegetable deficient (usually all he’ll eat are peas and avocados) and protein deficient. It’s hard to make things more enticing when there are still so many foods and spices he hasn’t tried. His main source of protein is still breast milk, and since he can’t have any other kinds of milk, this means it’s important for me to keep nursing for some time—especially until he’s outgrown some of his allergies.

I’ve thought about sharing some of the ways we’ve learned to make food taste good during this period with so many restrictions, although I doubt that many people out there with food sensitivities would match our particular list of what’s okay or not okay. (People always assume that I can’t have gluten when I mention ‘food sensitivities,’ because that’s the allergy that has become more common and thus recognized in our culture. Restaurant people also often don’t realize that soy is in everything, and that vegetable oil = soy oil. And I’m not vegan; I eat eggs and meat, but I can’t do dairy.) I know, it’s a lot to keep track of. But personal gripes aside, I doubt that there are many out there who have to avoid the combo of dairy, garlic, onions, tomatoes and citrus. How do you cook a tasty pasta without these things?! Think lots of olives, capers, mushrooms, peppers, or artichoke hearts; plenty of herbs, olive oil and balsamic vinegar. For other flavor punches, also think bacon, roasted root veggies, and lots of avocados. And think spices like celery salt, paprika, and cumin. Not curry powder though, because that has garlic in it usually, and nothing too spicy either.

Anyway, this blog post is all over the place. I guess it’s just my personal taking stock of where we’re at now during this period of solstice and change. We’re growing up, we’re letting go, we’re stuck in old ways, we’re holding on. We’re trying to remember to appreciate each day, each stage, and each small new success along the way. We’re not walking yet, but we’re getting closer every day, and not that much in a hurry. (I was relieved, however when Cedar finally started crawling because it is such a useful skill for him to have in the interim before walking, even if it is not an essential milestone.)

What else? We’re packing up the 12 months, well into the 18s, already wearing some of the 2T tops, and soon, believe it or not, even 3Ts will be on the radar. (Our collection of hand-me-downs are in constant rotation between the too big or too small boxes in the attic, the “holding drawers” for the next size on the horizon, and then the one big drawer for current mainstays.) One month, one age, one size bleeds into the next, and before I know it, I’m signing my baby up for co-op preschool (starting next fall! Just one morning a week, though).

Some days I think that my life is incredibly tedious and boring. Other days I feel incredibly thankful and blessed. Some days I can’t wait for Cedar to get older and start going to school so I can claim back more time to write and work. Other days I just want to savor these days when he’s still a baby, my constant companion, sidekick, boob man, snugglebug nestled into my chest. I want it to faster, I want it to go slower. Always this push and pull, push and pull. Always, we finally reach out only when someone is about to leave. Always, something to praise, something to disdain. Always, in flux. Always, the norm. Always, surprises. Always, this moment to anchor my fly-away thoughts, to anchor my being in what is.

My Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed (Part) Chinese Boy

Cedar, 9 months

I never expected to give birth to a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy. Especially since my husband and I both have brown hair and brown eyes. But my husband was blond when he was a young boy, and the blue eyes probably came from somewhere on his side, too. They most definitely did not come from my mom’s side of the family, a.k.a. the Chinese half of my blood.

Cedar is one-quarter Chinese. Some insist that they can see the Chinese in him, and in certain pictures his Asian features do come across real strong. But most of the time when people look at him, I seriously doubt that they would guess he is part Chinese unless they saw me and knew I was his mom. 

I want Cedar to learn Chinese, but I seldom speak to him in Chinese. Here and there, every now and then, but probably not enough to make a big difference.
Instead, I’m half-heartedly counting on my mom, his Popo, who watches him once or twice a week for a few hours, to be the influencing factor. The time they spend together is not a lot, but nevertheless a couple of the words that he knows the best are ones that she taught him. The first is ‘xiao niao’, little birds, which he likes to watch out of my parents’ big picture window—the chickadees that flit to and from their feeder, the crows that make their daily migrations across the sky. The second word is, ‘deng’ or light—“Kai deng deng”—turn on the light. Or kan deng, or guan deng—look at or shut off the light. 

Since I know that Cedar is learning these phrases from my mom, then I reinforce them myself so that now these words have become the very words that he recognizes the most. It helps that they are associated with daily occurrences that are interesting to him. Cedar loves to watch birds and we see them often on our walks to the pond. Sometimes when we look at books together and I point out the ‘xiao niao’ on the page, his head will whip around to look out the window. And when I say something about the ‘deng’, his head automatically turns to wait for me to turn on the light. Watching him learn is so incredibly satisfying.

But it’s hard for me to use Chinese with Cedar more often. English is my dominant tongue, and thus the most natural language for me to chatter in with him throughout the day. I’m not in a phase of life when I’m using Chinese often, like when I lived in China or when I studied Chinese at the UW, and so it can feel a little forced to me at times to say things to him in Chinese. Even though you’d think that talking to a baby would be simple enough, sometimes I still stumble upon words that I don’t know and I’m just not fluent enough, at least not right now, to keep up the constant dialogue. It takes too much effort—and any extra effort right now is in short supply. It helps to hear my mom talk to him, and to thus be inspired to repeat the phrases that he’s already hearing elsewhere. But on my own, I often don’t do much more than point out a few words in a picture book.

My sister gave Cedar a book of images from nature for Christmas, and perhaps because I know how to say all the words in Chinese, I’ve deemed that the book to be the one that I read to Cedar in Chinese. So when we read that book, the banana is a ‘xiangjiao’, the flower a ‘hua’, the cat a ‘mao mi’ and the dog a ‘xiao gou’. But then, in other contexts, mixed in with the natural flow and chatter of our day, the dog mostly goes back to being a doggie, the cat a kitty, and the banana a banana. 

It’s hard to switch back and forth between languages. I don’t want to switch mid-sentence because that seems confusing, yet I don’t have enough discipline to declare certain times of day or contexts “Chinese immersion times.” If I were really serious about Cedar learning Chinese, I should use Chinese with him exclusively-- that’s the only way that it would have a shot in hell at competing with English which will eventually be reinforced for him everywhere. But I just don’t see that happening. Mothering is too hard as it is to want to impose one more challenge on myself. And since I’m the person who is with him ALL the time and I mostly speak to him in English, it’s only natural that I want to glean the satisfaction of seeing him recognize those first words that in English too.

They say that kids who grow up bilingual are usually a little slower at first to master new words and phrases, but by age four or so their dual vocabularies take off and then they can easily speak two languages. This is what happened with me I suppose, and I think it is also why I was so shy when I first entered preschool—all these people, speaking in English, a language I understood perfectly, but not one I used all the time. 

Cedar, in a more "Asian moment."

It’s not going to be this way for Cedar though, and I know I needn’t over-think this whole process. I should just speak Chinese to him as much as I can so that, first and foremost, he’ll become familiar with the sounds and tones and therefore make it easier for him to pick it up later in life if he should choose to study it (or if I should choose to make him study it before he’s old enough to protest). 

Easier said than done though, of course. What I’m encountering here, is a three decade old pattern of resistance to speaking Chinese that I’ve built up—and broken down—and built up—and broken down, over and over again, in myself. As a child, I understood and spoke Chinese with fluency, yet the older I got the less comfortable I grew in speaking it. It took moving to China for three years in my twenties and cohabitating with a Chinese boyfriend for my Chinese to finally attain a level of fluency that I could be proud of. Yet now, I’m back in a ‘haven’t spoken Chinese regularly for WAY too long’ phase in my life. 

But Chinese is still important enough to me that I can easily imagine putting on those annoying Chinese children’s c.d.s, and maybe even eventually starting my own Chinese class for kids in my living room when Cedar’s a bit older (in which he can be the star pupil)—after all, if the Caucasian neighbor kids are learning Chinese, Cedar better be too!  My ability to speak Chinese—and my desire to stay fluent—is a vital part of who I am. And by extension, I’d love to pass this language on to my son.

Not only could Chinese be an incredibly useful asset to his life, but more importantly, I want Cedar to know that, like mama, he is also part Chinese in more than a “this is what we sometimes eat” or in a census-form kind of way. I would love for the sounds and rhythms of Mandarin to infuse Cedar’s childhood memories as they did for me. I would love for this language to be one more thing that we share-- even if he may not remember it.